Fears and Faith

I haven't been sleeping at night. My brain runs on overdrive as soon as I shut my eyes. I ruminate on things I said that day, things I didn't say, work I should have done, how I spent my time, how the kids are doing, how can I help them grow and succeed. Lately, I've been bombarded with fears. mostly about Jade. I wonder if she'll like me, if she'll think I'm chubby, if I look old. I wonder, or perhaps worry, if I will be able to interpret her needs, if she'll like our house, if she will eat American food, where she should attend school. When I think about the flight over, I get nervous. My dad is a pilot (retired military chopper pilot and private pilot). He says that we are more likely to get in a car crash than a plane crash. In my logical brain, I know that is true. But, if I think too long about the tragic plane crashes lately, I can feel my heart race. I'm not afraid of flying, I've been in a 4 seater airplane with my dad since I was a little girl. I get spooked thinking about humans and our frailties, about mistakes and illnesses, about flying over the Pacific for hours and hours. Okay, I'm starting to freak myself out. I talk with Aron about it, and I love his solid faith and determination.  Aron believes in his heart that our steps are laid out and that they are placed before us by a God with a divine plan. Aron is good for me.

I've also been hoping that Jade received our package. We sent a photo album, clothes, a disposable camera (to take some pictures of her friends and nannies). We sent a stuffed toy sheep for two reasons, 1) it's the year of the sheep in China, and 2) we have a good shepherd, a God who pursues his lost sheep and brings them home. Jade is loved.

One day, my fears were so oppressive that I cried out to God to take them away. I asked him to please reaffirm to me that he is in control and that he can be trusted. I wonder if telling God what to do is not such a good idea. But, you know what? I think he actually loves reaffirming us. I think he loves to show us how much he cares. I think God smiles when we ask him for help. Doesn't that show him that we believe he can? Do you think that our daily trials, fears and hurts can strengthen our faith? How often do we cry to God when all is well?  I'm learning that God is continually saying "You do what you should do, and I'll do the rest." Is anything too difficult for him?

So, if you are in the middle of a life change, a divine plan, don't give up. Keep the faith. God will show you the path to take. He showed me the day I was scared that he knows what he's doing. He showed me in more ways than one. Money was donated to us by people we've never met. He brought to me a stranger, who cried when she saw Jade's picture ( I like to show her off). She hugged me and said that I was Jade's mama and that I was going to be just fine. How did she know I needed to hear that? He whispered in my heart that love is the greatest of these: faith, hope and love. That love will get me through. It won't always be easy. And, I'm sure I'll have many more sleepless nights. But, the God of the universe is there. He's always there.

We are still hoping for April travel. We did receive our Article 5. Anything can happen, but we are optimistic that we will travel in a few weeks. Please keep us in your prayers, and if you are awake at 3:00 a.m. feel free to call me!