"What's Wrong With Her?"

My maternal instincts are almost always on overdrive. I'm like a mother bear when it comes to my children. I am really trying to slow down and not respond to people so vehemently. I wish that I were quicker to listen, slower to speak and even slower to become angry.  After certain "ninja" episodes, I tell myself that others say what they want to.Why can't I say what I'm thinking? When it comes to my kids, and even what I consider injustices in the world, I can't shut up. I don't think I'm one of those people who has an opinion about everything...we all know a few of those. But, if you get on a subject I'm passionate about, watch out! You may come away with a bloody stump.

When I see or meet people who are physically different, I'm curious. I've worked in a hospital over twenty years and the human body is interesting. We are so beautifully created. I can't even fathom how every cell must divide perfectly in the womb to make a "normal" baby. When people have a difference physically I wonder what changed in the womb to make them the way they are. It's fascinating to contemplate. Sometimes it's hard not to stare. In all honesty, it's not with disdain or pity I stare, but a genuine curiosity about how their body works. I wonder if that's the case with society in general. We are so concerned about being beautiful. We are so tied up in being happy and comfortable and pretty. I think sometimes we unknowingly project onto people that they are less than normal, that they are weird or unlovely. Sometimes it is with unkindness that people look at others with disgust. Sometimes it is blatant. I can't figure out why we do that. Every one of us is flawed. I for one, have so many special needs on the inside, that if they were displayed on the outside, I would be scarred and deformed. I wonder why we determine the outside is more important than the inside.

In the rural county I live in, our family is different. Our two youngest are from Asia and they both have physical special needs. Once you have a child with special needs, you realize how unspecialized the world is.Going to the grocery store can be a challenge. Jade wears diapers due to her Spina Bifida. I get stared at while changing her diaper. She is almost six years old. Shouldn't she be potty trained? No one has asked me that, but they are curious. I don't feel I need to explain anything. I just smile. It's important for my kids to know that they can be anything they want to be. That their needs don't make them who they are. They are precious, smart, capable people. Jade is going to have to be especially resourceful. I don't want her to grow up thinking that she has to explain her body. I don't want her to think she is so different that she is excluded from life. She will need to be flexible but tough, forgiving and confident, comfortable in her skin, stand up tall and smile.

A question I have heard more than once from friends and strangers is, "What is wrong with her?" I absolutely want to go ninja and ask "What is wrong with YOU?" Why would anyone ask that question? It tears my heart out that even the most innocent curiosity could be so hurtful. Thank God Jade doesn't understand English fluently yet. I would hate for her to hear such a horrible thing. I hope to teach her how to graciously and confidently answer that question. One she will be asked her entire life. There is nothing wrong with Jade.She is simply different. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. I don't know why she was made the way she is. I will have to ask God that some day. But, I know that Jade and our whole family will have many opportunities to shine. We will share many conversations about differences. We will have the privilege to share love and hope with others.  Jade can either be angry about her differences and difficulties, or she can use them to point others to a loving Creator. She can be an educator, an advocate, or be angry and defeated. We hope to give her wings, trusting that God will keep her soaring. She is going to fly high....so, so high.

Back Alleys and Swearing

The day after the orphanage visit we went to a park. It wasn't the kind of park with swings, slides and teeter totters. There were pigeons, foliage and bridges over a river. It was very peaceful. We saw an artist painting and people moving in fluid taekwondo. There was a small kiddy area in the back with fair type rides. Danielle and Jade rode just one. Aron bought food to feed the pigeons and a bird actually landed on his arm....then pooped, which is funny because he is quite germophobic. He is the pigeon whisperer. Every time one the birds flew close to Danielle, she would scream, which drew lots of attention. Like we weren't getting enough already. We were with another family who are very beautiful people. They dressed very smartly, always looked a million bucks, thin and young. I actually felt quite frumpy on some days. This particular day my confidence was raised by a Chinese lady in the park. She was speaking to our girls in Mandarin, so we had no idea what she was saying. We parents just smiled and nodded. Our guide translated for us:  the other dad was tall, the other mom was too skinny, and I was beautiful. Can you believe it? In a country of 100 pounders, I was beautiful! Wow! I was actually fearing the Chinese lady was saying to Jade, "Sorry you got stuck with the chubby one." But, in all honesty, we were very well received in China. We had a great day at the park.

The day after the park, we were off to Guangzhou. It was a two hour flight from where we were. Adoptive families finish the process in Guangzhou at the US consulate. There are many adoptive families there, so we weren't as spectacular. We stayed at a very nice hotel. From our window Aron saw an alley of blue topped tents. He watched them for several days. He is very curious. He loves all things barbeque, so on the day he saw smoke rising from that sea of blue, he decided we would take a walk. It just so happens that a family in our group called our room and was seeking an adventure. Off we went to the alley of tents. Let's just say that we were probably in a place we didn't belong. We got the impression that the group had gathered as some celebration or tradition. We were stared at more than we knew was curiosity. We were a bit scared. And luck would have it, as we hurried through the alley, that we came to a dead end. We had to turn around and walk back through the same crowd. They did not seem violent. On the other hand, I wanted to cuff Aron myself. On the bright side, Aron saw a lot of interesting grilling going on. He later told me the alley excursion was not his best idea. Well, no kidding, Palmer!

We went to the US consulate on a Monday. Essentially, we were applying for Jade's visa to come home. One parent from each family approached the official. I was that parent. As a group we raised our right hands and swore the information on the visa application was true and accurate. We swore to take care of our children to the best of our abilities. I was quite moved. There's something about saying those words out loud to a person of authority in a foreign country that make them more sacred. It felt serious and of the utmost importance.  I was speaking them to her, but also to God. It felt like a
prayer. I meant them. There are days that my very best doesn't seem like much. My hair is in a pony tail, my clothes have glitter glue on them, I'm wearing my glasses because my eyes are tired from not sleeping well. I throw the kids in the car and go for Mcnuggets on a lazy day, I let Jade watch more than one episode of Mickey Mouse Club House because I need to fold laundry, I moisten napkins because I ran out of wet wipes. On those days the kids don't care about my hair. They love playing with glitter glue. McDonalds for lunch is always a hit. Mickey Mouse is pretty cute and educational. And, Jade is clean before I put another diaper on her. Not such a bad day after all. My best isn't perfect. I'm not Supermom. I'm just me with a promise. And that's enough.

Orphanage visit

We've been home four weeks. Wow, it doesn't seem like it...maybe because we've been so busy we can't keep the days straight. We were able to get an earlier flight home from China so that Danielle could make it to dress rehearsal for her dance performance. We arrived home on a Thursday, Danielle went to dance rehearsal on Friday, performed on Saturday. Our oldest, Jared and his wife arrived that same Saturday, Jacob graduated Sunday, then we had an open house/reception for Jared and Abi the next weekend. In addition, we had some friends from out of state visiting the week between graduation and the open house/reception. Since then we've had Jake's graduation open house, been to Jade's pediatrician and spent time at other graduation open house parties. Jade has participated in most of these events happily. We've only had a few melt downs...mostly mine. I've been too busy. But, things are slowing down and we are really enjoying family time. Jade is enjoying her siblings, and they love her. She was well prepared for a family. Her care givers must have spent time talking with her about us, because when we met her, she sat down and pointed to each of us in her photo album, naming us as she went.

The orphanage visit happened the day after we received Jade. The meeting takes place in the province's capital at the registration office. The office was four hours from the orphanage. Jade had traveled from her orphanage to the office by bullet train to meet us. The very next day we traveled back to her orphanage by van. It was a long day. Jade was a rock star.

We arrived at the orphanage about 4:00 pm. Many of the staff greeted us. We really didn't know what to expect. I have to admit, it was a wonderful visit. We were ushered into the building by several care givers and the director. The building looks kind of like a college dormitory. It was a block building, several stories high. The first room we visited was a common area room. There, we met the children her age. They were beautiful and polite and heartbreakingly orphaned. I had carted Smarties (the candy) from Michigan to Beijing, to Zhengzhou, to Lingbao. I'm so glad I did. The staff had all the children sit down at the table. Danielle and Jade passed out the Smarties and the children in unison said "Shia Shia" (thank you). Can you imagine your child being happy over a package of Smarties? These kids were so excited and grateful. The children sat quietly and ate their candy. We stood and cried, especially Danielle. She cried the whole visit. She was so sad to see children without families. She has a tender heart.

We moved through the rooms at the orphanage. We saw the little toddler beds the children sleep in. I was able to get pictures of Jade's little bed. We saw the kitchen, eating area, schooling area, the courtyard. The babies were being fed while we visited the dining area. The tears started flowing again. Aron squatted down and started cooing at a little tyke. Without making a sound, the toddler turned on his heel, pushed the door open, and fled down the hall. It was hilarious. The nannies were laughing too. One of them chased him down and brought him back. It was really nice to see that the children wanted the caregivers. They definitely were attached to them. They were scared of us. Danielle tried to hold all the babies, of course. We wanted to bring them home. Jade had a little friend there. She was a sweetie. I was able to capture a photo of Aron kissing her on the cheek. The staff wanted pictures of us with them. They followed us around taking video. The director gave us a book of poetry with a letter to Jade. We will have the letter translated. She was loved.

The director took us out to the courtyard. They have a little garden and a playground. There are some fruit trees on the property. We enjoyed some cherries with the staff. Aron is particularly good with people. And, he is well versed in plant knowledge. They talked about all kinds of plants, seeds and cooking. Our guide teased Aron about sampling his creations before serving them. I think that was her way of saying he is pleasantly plump.

On our way back to the van, we all stopped and the care givers were able to hug Jade goodbye. One caregiver squatted down and spoke to Jade. Our guide interpreted, "You are always welcome here. Have a beautiful life with your family. Be brave and don't cry."  I looked at Jade and silent tears were rolling down her cheeks. We were crying too. She was leaving them for us. We know how blessed we are. We know how much has changed for Jade. We know that she left all things familiar. She is no longer an orphan.

I took many pictures of the orphanage, but for Jade's sake, I can't share them all. It is a piece of her life. The biggest piece so far, and I want her to be the one to share it some day. She is amazingly resilient. She is so happy. Don't get me wrong, there are hard days too. But, she is becoming a Palmer more and more every day. She teases, belly laughs and puts on her sister's make up. She loves to do dishes, swim in the lake and take paddle boat rides. Jade counts to ten, knows the color yellow and the song "Stayin' Alive" (thanks to Danielle).  She folds her hands and thanks God for each of us by name, even Jared and Abi. Jade looks at the photos of China and babbles in Mandarin. She is telling us all about it. She doesn't cry. I think that is a sign that she is happy here, with us, her family. How can that be? This little person accepting us and trusting us, kissing and hugging us. Last night as I laid on the floor by her bed, she whispered, "I love you, Mama." I'm not sure she knows what "I love you" means completely, but I'm pretty sure she knows I'm her mom. What a miracle!

Traveling to Zhengzhou and Meeting Jade

From Beijing we boarded the bullet train to Zhengzhou (pronounced Jeng-joe), this was a good way to see some of the country in three hours.  The train traveled at speeds up to 307 kmh (190 mph) with six stops before ours.  The guide gave us a note with each stop listed so we could check them off in order and be prepared - the train stops for less than five minutes at each station.  The boarding passengers were semi-patiently waiting in line for the departing passengers to clear the way.  We made sure we had our luggage together and got off as quickly as we could.   

There was a lot of agriculture in the areas between the cities.  It was difficult to tell what was being grown but looked like mainly grains and potatoes.  Much of the work appears to be done manually, we saw few, if any, farm implements.  There were very few residences outside the cities.  Every city we passed through or stopped in had multiple large construction projects underway - usually apartment buildings. 

Zhengzhou had several large building sites using cranes and a great deal of infrastructure work (mainly roads) being done.  From the train station it was a 30-minute van ride to the hotel.  We stayed in the Zhengzhou Hilton which is beautiful.  The morning after we arrived we met the guide in the lobby at 9:00 AM to travel to the Henan province governmental office that handles adoptions.  Arriving at the office, there were a total of nine families from multiple adoption agencies there to receive their children.  It was incredible watching the children and families meeting for the first time.  There were many tears of joy, a couple of the children cried and needed to be comforted. 

The train station
 

The Zhengzhou Hilton



The orphanage official

We were told Jade would be a little later due to the distance she was traveling to meet us.  As we were sitting and watching the other families get to know one another, Heather turned to her right and saw Jade walking toward us.  She was wearing an outfit that we had sent to her in a care package and carrying a pink backpack.  The nanny spoke in Mandarin using the words 'ba ba' and 'ma ma' and she walked up to us.  They explained that she had been car sick on the trip so would need to be changed.    She was very shy and timid (this has since changed) but pulled out the photo album we had sent her and named each of us as we turned the pages. We were amazed at her willingness to sit with us. There were no tears. We asked her orphanage official if she cried when they left that morning and the official said no.   It was only a matter of minutes until she was sitting on Danielle's lap and they were coloring together. We passed a ball around. She is fearless and brave and smart.  After all the children had arrived and met their families, we headed back to the hotel to bond and love on our children for the remainder of the day. 

The registration office
 

Some of Jade's physical needs are greater than we anticipated - from the spina bifida she is incontinent and wears diapers -  but her walking is far better than we expected.  We are confident that with some additional care and therapy both of these will be improved.  She warmed up to us very quickly and we have had few communication problems, even with the language barrier. 

The next morning we met the guide in the lobby and went back to the same office.  After our paperwork was reviewed, we were asked a few questions:
if we still wanted to adopt the child and would we care for the child, then had a short ceremony placing Jade into our family.  This happened fairly quickly as there were only two Bethany families in our province.  We then headed back to the hotel to meet our car headed to the city where the orphanage was located.  The orphanage visit will be the next post.          

Beijing Tour

Where to start?...we have been unable to connect to Google until today in Guangzhou. We have had a wonderful time in China. Danielle has been a trooper. Actually there are four other "kids" who have come with their parents. We have nine families in our group. We spent the first three days with the families sightseeing in Beijing. Then, we all went to our respective provinces to get our children. Now we are in Guangzhou, where the US Consulate is located, to receive our children's visas to come home.

While in Beijing, we visited the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, the Birds Nest (from the Olympics), a Cloisonné Factory, Tiananmen Square, took a rickshaw ride to the old Beijing area, had lunch in a Hu tong, and participated in a tea ceremony. Then, we headed to Henan Province to receive Jade. No wonder I'm tired.

Jade is beautiful. Her special needs are a little more complicated than we thought, but we are blessed with good medical care in the USA, so she is really going to thrive. She is funny, smart and already hugging and kissing us. She speaks Mandarin and loves to yell at her baba (daddy) when he tickles her. She rattles on and we just crack up wondering what she is saying. One of our Chinese waitresses asked Jade if she likes her new mama and baba and she said "very much". Our hearts melted. Jade especially loves Danielle. The feeling is mutual.  The two of them walk hand in hand wherever we go. We attract a lot of attention... white, English speaking parents with a Chinese little girl. We get stared at to the point of being uncomfortable. Aron is very good at smiling, and saying "ni how" to those who are curious. He has drug us all over the place. Only once did he feel a little afraid. We went down an alley of street vendors where locals buy their food. We were quite the spectacle. Fortunately, people are kind all over the world and so we are happy to mingle with the masses.

Ready or Not...Here We Come!

We are at the airport and ready to fly! Originally we were seated in the 3 middle seats in the middle section of 6. Aron is such a great traveler. He walked up to the desk and asked the nice clerk if we could change seats. Now, one of us is in an aisle seat. It will be so much easier to get in and out of our seats if we don't have to climb over people. Yay!

Danielle is very excited! She notices everything, and the airport is a great place to people watch. There are all types of people aren't there?...small ones, big ones, suited ones, pajama ones, stuck in the 80's ones, smiley ones, grumpy ones, demanding ones, hippy ones. It's amazing to me that we can go literally around the world in less than 24 hours. Tomorrow morning when you get to work we will be landing in Beijing. Our world is small, and shrinking all the time.  I think that we have a lot to learn about others, a lot to learn from others. I really can't wait to experience China again. It is so different from Michigan that it's hard to even put into words all that we will see and do. Danielle's dance class asked her to dance on the Great Wall for them. So, she is going to do just that. She will have the trip of a lifetime.

There are kind people everywhere you go. The streets in Beijing are death defying. There is a moped lane, then 4 lanes (sometimes more), then a moped lane going the other direction. Last time Aron and I were in Beijing we could not get across the street. Aron had decided we should explore some, and before you know it, it got dark. So, there we were, two white people in a sea of teeny tiny Asians. Right next to us were two little ladies. They were arm in arm (customary in China). Aron said, "When those ladies go, we go." So, when they started across, I grabbed the lady next me and screamed all the way to the other side. She laughed and laughed at me. I still remember her scarf covered head and silver hair. She was kind. We were loving the people.

I will try to chronicle our trip. We will be busy with Little One. I want you all to know what China is like. I want you to fall in love with a place very different from home. I will try to blend in...I know, very funny. You've heard the saying, "When in Rome..." In this case..."When in China...." Ready or not, here we come!

Travel Time!!

I'm not the most savvy computer user. My husband calls me a technical nincompoop. He's very funny. As an author of a blog, you can see all kinds of interesting data about it. A blogger can see how many pageviews there have been and on which days, what countries the blog has been read in, what devices the blog is read on. Wow, I was shocked when I started clicking buttons on my "overview" page. This blog has been read almost 1000 times, in 14 different countries, on 4 continents. I hope that my blog encourages faith. I hope that it is an advocate for orphans. I hope to give the reader a real picture of what adoption is. It isn't always easy or fun. But, it's so rewarding and so worthwhile.

Boo (not sure the spelling) is the Mandarin word for "no". When we brought AJ home he liked that word. Of course, he was 2 years old. I think "no" is one of the first words 2 year olds say no matter what language they speak. I was desperate for AJ to love me. I wanted to be the perfect mother. I wanted him to know that he was chosen, named, loved by me. But, I also had to be the mom. I was finding it hard to know when to let him have his way and when to be mom. It's easy to overdo the candy, gift giving, spoiling. I wanted him to love me how I loved him. There were many times when he said, "I boo love you, Mama."  It about tore my heart out. He was learning that if I didn't do exactly what he wanted me to, he could hurt me with those words. The first few times I would cry. But, I decided that if he was going to know and trust me, I had to love him with the possibility he wouldn't love me back. AJ taught me how to love without conditions. He taught me that love is a choice. I started to respond by saying, "That's okay, I love you anyway." In the meantime, Aron would go off to work, come home and be the fun jungle gym parent, while I had the day to day raising of this little person. So, Aron and I decided that he would start doing some of the care giving tasks. AJ hated baths, screamed the whole time. Aron would bathe him. AJ didn't always like our foods. Aron would feed him. AJ was a typical toddler, he wanted his way. Aron increased his involvement with boundaries. After many months, AJ started to know what it was like to have two parents on the same page. He started to understand what family is. He started to love us. I still remember the first time AJ said, "I love you, Mama", the most beautiful words I've ever heard.  I hope to hear them from Jade some day. I know that it will take a long time. We are strangers. It will take many months to develop a relationship with our little girl. We will have to earn her trust. It will be hard for me not to completely smother her when we get to China. Should I hug her, kiss her (not big in China), laugh, cry? I think that once I see her, my response will come naturally. I think that instinct will take over. I envision kneeling down, smiling, crying, pressing my cheek to hers. I hope to pick her up, kiss her head, whisper her name.

Sweet Jade

It is hard to believe that I will be doing just that in 3 weeks.Yes, we have a "due" date. We are leaving the end of the month. God answered my prayers to travel in April. I know we are going to be exhausted. No way around it. Danielle dances the day after we get home. Jake graduates the day after that. Jared and Abigail fly in for graduation. We will be hosting a wedding reception for them the next weekend. I'm so utterly stressed out. I'm so completely happy. I'm going to need all the prayers you can say on my behalf. I'm going to need a massage. Our family is going to be in crazy, happy, stressful, joyful turmoil. Wow, I'm going to be a mom for the fifth time! What is better than that? Thank you, God, for my new daughter!